Children's Grief Information

Children are resilient, aren't they?

Yes, children can be resilient when provided support, honest communication, and coping skills.

Children and teens have an understanding of death that is different than that of an adult and the concept of death changes as children age and go through different developmental stages. They may not display the same grief reactions as an adult, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with strong emotions. Clear, honest, age-appropriate communication is vital.

A Child's Understanding of Grief at Important Developmental Milestones

Understanding of Grief: Birth-2 years

Concept:

No understanding of death
Has an awareness of the absence of a loved one
Notices changes in normal routine
Notices the changes in emotions of the family

How to help:

Physical contact, cuddling, reassurance
Maintain routines
Include the child in the mourning process when possible

Understanding of Grief: Children aged 3-5 years

Concept:

Do not understand the permanence of death; sees it as temporary and reversible
May think that their loved one is sleeping, or on a trip
May wonder what will happen if another family member dies
Repetitive with questions about the death

How to help:

Physical contact and reassurance
Encourage children to play and have fun
Give simple, honest answers to questions
Answer repetitive questions gently and with patience
Allow safe ways to express feelings
Include them in the mourning process

Understanding of Grief: Children aged 6-9 years

Concept

Understands that death is final
Concern that his/her thoughts, words, behaviors caused the death
Thinks about life milestones without their loved one (graduation, marriage, etc.)
Shows interest in the biological aspects of death

How to help:

Give physical contact and have intentional time together
Answer questions truthfully
Allow expression of feelings both verbally and physically
Encourage healthy and creative outlets drawing, reading, art, music, etc.
Let child be a part of the mourning process. Allow them to make choices

Understanding of Grief: Children aged 9-12 years

Concept:

Understands that death is final
Concern that his/her thoughts, words, behaviors caused the death
Thinks about life milestones without their loved one (graduation, marriage, etc.)
Heightened awareness of death. Concerns that other loved ones will die
Formulating spiritual concepts

How to help:

Offer comfort and support
Expect emotional reactions and mood swings and be patient and gentle
Encourage healthy and creative outlets drawing, reading, art, music, etc.
Find peer support
Communicate openly and answer questions honestly. Be available to talk and listen to their concerns
Give them choices in the mourning process

Understanding of Grief: Teens

Concept:

Understands that death is final
Concern that his/her thoughts, words, behaviors caused the death
Thinks about life milestones without their loved one (graduation, marriage, etc.)
High death awareness. Concerns that other loved ones will die
May sense own impending death
Need to be in control of feelings. Emotional displays are weakness.
Internal conflict with need to be independent but feeling dependent and in need of support

How to help:

Allow regressive behavior and provide comfort
Expect emotional reactions and mood swings and be patient and gentle
Encourage healthy and creative outlets drawing, reading, art, music, etc.
Find peer support. Support relationships with understanding adult mentors
Communicate openly and answer questions honestly. Be available to talk and listen to their concerns.
Share your grief
Give them choices in the mourning process
Watch for high-risk behaviors

Below are some additional resources to help guide you in supporting the grieving child in your life.

If you are looking to support a grieving child, have questions or concerns, we are available to help. Please call us at the office at (231) 947-6453 or by email at GoodGrief@MyMichaelsPlace.net and talk with one of our grief support staff.